10 Things Every Girl Should Know About Boys And Their Privates

"Take it from me, girls – there's no good reason to rush into S-E-X. That's why I hope these scientific facts help you choose abstinence, so you need never know the heartbreak of being trapped in a loveless marriage just because you drank too many margaritas one night and gave up your honey pot to a pushy young cokehead from a so-called 'good family.'"

1. Unlike your girly privates, which are internal, boy privates are external. God knew that nobody wanted to see all our lady mess, so He pushed everything up inside you. What in tarnation He was thinking when he came up with that nasty, dangling, squishy flesh on boys beats the heck out of me, but I suspect it was so it would be easier for Him to keep an eye on what they're up to. Because trust me: that grotesque grab bag of horror and disappointment is always up to something, gals.

2. Boy privates are often said to resemble hot dogs, although if you ask me, the ones I've seen always called to mind something like those cute little Austrian cocktail weenies they sell 8 to a can. But I think famed author Lynne Cheney described the male unmentionable best when she recalled recoiling at "an old Frankenstein's monster bratwurst that looked like it had rolled under the couch for a month and got covered in dust bunnies and would make you spit up if you even so much as halfheartedly nibbled the tip of it."

3. Though erotically sensitive just like girl nipples, boy nipples are NOT privates – yet. But my husband and I are working hard to instill a sense of sexualized body shame so acute, that one day soon boys will learn that their nipples are dirty little things that will get them – just like you! – arrested when they strut around topless at Myrtle Beach. America is not some big, old licentious San Tropez and it's time all of you out there realized it!

4. The stuff that comes out of boys every time they use you has as many calories as seven whole pints of Häagen-Dazs. That's why all the girls who do "it" always get so fat and ugly and have that ulcerated skin that screams to everyone in church, "I am an insatiable slut!"

5. While almost all American boys have human-looking privates, most foreign boys have privates like German Shepherds or half-open tubes of Max Factor lipstick.

6. Because boys use the business end of their privates as a pipe for going number one, touching it is pretty much the same as taking a bath in a Mexican's toilet.

7. If you play your cards right, the revolting little wrinkled purse part of boy privates is something a Christian lady can go throughout her entire life without ever seeing. But knowing where it is can come in mighty handy when called upon to give a "not until marriage" warning kick.

8. When a boy's disgusting private goes inside of a girl's shameful unmentionable, there is a serious risk of it breaking off and causing excruciating pain while it travels throughout your body like a giant trichinosis worm.

9. Up until the moment in your wedding when he says "I do," a boy's privates sport a treacherous spine of jagged scales, which may or may not secrete acid and weapons-grade anthrax – for which, apparently, only Ann Coulter has developed the antibodies.

10. God designed a boy's privates as part sword, part battering-ram, to joyously stab and hammer you with on the magical night you begin your life-long tethering to the man who'll liberate you from the drudgery of ever having to make your own decisions – except when to have a headache or give an "I don't like this" bite.