Tuesday, 7 April 2009

Must-Haves and Don't-Wants for a New Relationship

Knowing what you're looking for
is the first step towards successful dating. Most of us have a vague idea of want we want and don't want, but few take the time and effort to put it down on paper. If you're serious about creating a successful relationship, take the time to make a "must have" and "don't want" list. Before making your list:
-->Evaluate past relationships. What were the positive and negative contributions you made to the relationship? Take a look at the "type" of people you've been attracted to in the past. Open up to the idea that dating is an opportunity to challenge your old views.
-->We all repeat what we know. Sometimes we have an idea of the partner we want, so we make a list based on what we've experienced before. However, if those relationships haven't worked out for you, it's time to take a serious look at what you've based your "must have" and "don't want" lists on in the past.

“Be willing to experiment with different types of people.”

Be willing to experiment with different types of people.

Make your list:

When you make your lists, you must be very specific. It isn't going to help you if your list looks like this:

Don't want:
  • Abusive personality
  • Addicted
  • Lazy
  • Self-Centered
That list doesn't give you enough direction. The person could yell when driving (abusive), eat chocolate all day (addicted), like to spend every Sunday afternoon playing couch potato (lazy) and talk excessively about work (self-centered). Yet the specific behaviors I just mentioned might not bother you at all. So be very specific about what you don't want and the degree to which a behavior is acceptable. Same goes for what you want.

“The more specific you can be, the better able you are to identify whether the person is compatible with your needs and wants.”

The more specific you can be, the better able you are to identify whether the person is compatible with your needs and wants.

The first time you make this list, write down everything that comes to your mind -- every little detail. Have fun with it. Pretend you're building a fantasy partner, the perfect match for you. Once you have this list, go through with a more serious mindset and circle the things you truly "must have" and "don't want." Make your final list from the circled items.

With list in hand:

You've done your work and know what you're going for
. Good job! Now it's time to play detective. People always show their best side in the beginning. Sometimes they can fool you for months or years, so you need to pay close attention. Look at other relationships. If the person doesn't have a best friend, or any friends in his or her life from earlier times (childhood, high school, college, a past job), you may want to ask yourself why.

Watch interactions with family and strangers.

“Observe how they respect themselves, their home and belongings.”

Observe how they respect themselves, their home and belongings. The things on your "don't want" list may not be obvious, so you'll need to pay attention to all the ways the person you're considering lives his or her life.

Most of us know the typical list of desirable must-haves
. We all want someone who is faithful, communicative, supportive, honest, successful, patient, kind, interesting and talented. We all know that is what others want, so we do our best to show these traits and portray ourselves this way. Nobody shows up to reveal a list of dark secrets -- yet we all have them, so we must become detectives and learn to pick up on the little things.
Be committed to yourself

Stick by your list. If the person doesn't have at least 50 percent of your must-haves, don't bother continuing to date. If the person has anything on the "don't want" list that you absolutely can't live with, don't bother with another date. In the end it won't work out. Better to move on to someone better suited to you.

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